Fake News You Won’t Read in 2017 (Probably)

No longer confined to the seamier side of show biz and politics, Fake News has become a mainstream source of misinformation for virtually all industries and disciplines. What you are about to read is obviously true because it has been published online by a respected source. With that caveat, here’s the latest from the world of photography and beyond.

YouTube Hacked
The identity of more than ten billion kittens, puppies and cute raccoons was compromised, according to sources who know. Stolen information includes adorable nicknames and rabies vaccination tag numbers, if any. As of press time, no group has claimed responsibility, although involvement by rival Vimeo has been heavily rumored.

President Resigns to Take Position with Drink Mix Company
Vowing to “Make America grape again,” President Trump resigned from public office as leader of the free world to accept a higher-profile position with Funny Face Drink Mix company. Company publicist insists that the decision had nothing to do with the President’s strong resemblance to product icon Goofy Grape.

New Cell Phone Better than Real Camera
In an omnibus survey conducted by the world renowned Noah Deah Group, eight out of ten people who had never taken a serious photograph in their life rated the images produced by a popular cell phone to be equal to or better than similar images captured by a comparably priced digital camera. The same research concluded that the experience of watching a movie at home on a 26-inch television is as rich and satisfying as seeing the same movie in a theater.

Man Saves Lives by Texting While Driving
Because his attention was diverted from the road for 17 seconds while texting in the passing lane on the New York State Thruway, a Rockland County man caused a 37 car pileup which serendipitously prevented hundreds of vehicles from plunging through a gaping hole in the Tappan Zee Bridge last Friday. Miraculously, no one was seriously injured in the collision; however, drivers were charged additional minutes against their cellular data plans until help arrived.

Vladimir Putin’s Band Sweeps CMA Awards, Including Album of the Year
In secret ballot voting that was shrouded by suspicion of tampering and possible interference from foreign government agencies, the psychedelic waltz band fronted by Vladimir Putin, Myshka and the Kotyonok, walked away with top honors at the 2017 Country Music Awards held in Nashville. Tennessee legislature is allegedly considering changing the name of the state capital to Natashaville in honor of the achievement.

Apple Introduces Fleet of Autonomous Tricycles
Soon rolling into preschools and kindergartens across the country, Apple today announced the iTry, a self-driving three-wheeled vehicle for children. The self-guidance mechanism relies on radioactive transmitters embedded in the asphalt surface, and that could be a barrier to success, Apple admitted. “Although it may take decades for the infrastructure of inner city playgrounds to catch up with modern technology,” said Tim Cook, Apple CEO, “the parents of toddlers everywhere can breathe easier knowing that the Recess of the future will be safer than ever.” Rival Microsoft is said to be working on a similar device that is slower, uglier and requires four square wheels and countless updates.

Nikon, Canon, Fujifilm and Others Introduce the Really Advanced Photo System
Major camera and film manufacturers today announced the Really Advanced Photo System (RAPS), a collaborative endeavor that clearly looks like a collaborative endeavor. Based on the 1996 fiasco presumptively labeled the Advanced Photo System, the motivation behind the development of RAPS is the preservation of the compact digital camera market in the face of stiff competition from sophisticated cellular phones. Twenty years ago, the original APS was created to preserve the compact 35mm film camera market in the face of fierce competition from the then fledgling digital camera. Proving that history can indeed repeat itself, even when the actors should know better, spokesperson for the consortium described RAPS as “the bridge to the future of imaging technology.” The system is guaranteed to cost more, do less and cause severe financial difficulties for all involved.

California Woman Wins Pulitzer for Selfie
A former Circle-K cashier from Lodi, CA, has been awarded a Pulitzer prize in the Best Booty Photography category for a selfie she shot while preparing for a date she’d arranged on Tinder. The all-male panel of judges cited the raw authenticity, superlative composition and unique undergarment design as the primary determining characteristics.

Presidential Tweets Investigated
A team of cyberarcheologists has discovered a cache of early Tweets that suggest that random presidential Tweeting began much earlier than previously believed. One of the oldest Tweets has been forensically attributed to General George Washington who on Christmas Day, 1776, Tweeted, “Can’t get an Uber. You guys go ahead to Trenton and I’ll come over later in my dinghy #RedCoatsGoHome”

—Jon Sienkiewicz

azsaowens's picture

So clever, possibly prophetic and worth filming. Hope to see it in the printed Shutterbug.